In my (humble?) opinion

[This is an interaction Anna had, on an online forum, with a stranger.] " Since the schizm you mention is deeply seated by the development of the personality, it would take years of intensive therapy to fix it, in my opinion."

"Exactly so! But is the hoped-for outcome of the more under-the-bell-curve-in-behavior partner (or otherwise-personality-disordered partner, which is maybe actually more likely) going to be coming up roses in the long run - or the opposite? That's my fundamental question. This is because I am going through some profoundly painful therapy with my spouse, since January 2018. Can - "Can" - we get somewhere ... do we have the time and energy and goodwill to stay with the process, even when it falters? (Sigh.) (And - know that no vitriol is meant towards you.)"

"That question depends on so many factors, in my opinion. Most scientific papers say that personality disorders don't respond to therapy. I have been in therapy for over 20 years and the last 14 for SPD. Some of it depends on your (his) age. I am in my 50's. Not likely I am going to undo 50 years of personality development with any amount of intensive therapy. If you are in your 20's , it could be different. Most people with SPD were not respected as children by their keepers. Because of that, they developed low self respect and when they look to others for help and find that the world doesn't really care that much, then they feel betrayed and don't trust society any more. I think it boils down to trust. That being said, therapy can be some helpful in certain ways and you have to make decisions about whether you can weather the storms. You have the set your expectations for therapy appropriately. A person with SPD is not likely to ever change into a mentally healthy, neurotypical partner. We will still lash out occasionally, and you have to know that is the disorder talking. But you can achieve smaller milestones and behavior modification. I am working to quit interrupting people, a common behavior in SPD. But here's another angle. Most SPDers, especially men in my opinion, (just from group therapy and the studies I read), find one with whom they choose to connect. That person is their conduit to the world. That person can help them be comfortable in public, can be the person they talk to about their problems, and be the one important relationship in their lives. I have this with my wife. I know her path is difficult with me. But I have all of the energy and desire in the world for her. She is the only person whom I feel is worth my time and effort. I am willing to do anything to make that relationship work. More than even my own family. If that is what you want, I think it is achievable."